watching you and evaluating everything you do and you have no way of stopping them. there are rules against everything you
cant touch each other and if you do you lose points. you lose points for everything, you spend your time trying to earn your
sanity, it's so flawed. you go in with nothing, i mean nothing. you're on open spaces, no doors no privacy eyes on you all the
time. they take your belt, they take your shoelaces they take your books you cant make phone calls or write letters or watch
tv or read or do anything but wander around or sit and stare and then there's group therapy where you have to sit around and
air your dirty laundry and you LEARN what they want to hear so you can tell them and earn some wellness. i KNOW you
cant earn wellness but thats what they tell you to do. if you're honest with them and tell them how you really feel you'll never
get out they'll just keep you there talking and talking and they'll drill you over and over and maybe you'll get lunch and maybe
you wont if they even think about lunch or sleep or anything else but whatever it was you told them and if you DO have
anything they'll take it right away from you they punish you for not being sane, do you see what i'm saying? they punish you
for being sick and they reward you for being well as if it's just something you're doing because you're bored and if they
reward you adequately you'll STOP DOING IT and it doesnt matter if you cant stop doing it, you have to if you ever want to
speak to someone you love again or have a visit or make a phone call or even read a book! because as long as you're not
telling them what they want to hear you get NOTHING. so you learn to work it and tell them what they think is right and of
course you never get HELP and you never get BETTER, you never get WELL because they don't let you actually work out
whats going on in your head, they just make you comply with what they want and if you do that then you're well. and you're
well in stages. you can be a pencil and a notebook well. you can be a belt and shoelaces well. you can be 14 square feet sane.
you can be television sane. can you imagine being someplace and having them tell you you can't watch tv because you arent
feeling safe? you're hearing voices so you're not allowed to get a phone call or watch tv or read a book, but if you STOP
hearing voices you can get those privileges. if you're no longer delusional you can have ice cream. if you stop having mood
swings you can come to the pizza social. so you just agree to whatever, you lie about how you feel so you can look at
something other than a blank wall, or see your parents or your girlfriend or whatever, but the whole time everything that was
always going on in your head is still going on in your head, only you cant ask for help with it and you cant get help with it
because if you admit you're not ok they take everything away from you again and make you earn it back. they make you earn
wellness. it's so fucked up, so fucked up.